Post by General Cheese on Dec 12, 2005 20:28:01 GMT -5
(I've always wanted to do this... PG-13 for sexual themes, language, and alcohol/drug reference.)
We begin our quest of the 12 days of Amusement by following the first of our seasonal specimens; the partridge. For some reason or another, my true love gave me an annoying bird in a tree that bore fruit that I didn't like one bit. Anywho, I have reason to believe that this... "Partridge" is not an ordinary bird. Nay, it is none other than the Partridge of the Damned!
Many mentally ill philosophers who had once been fry cooks at McDonalds have told the legend of the Cursed Bird; it was said that it would bring pleasure to some but misery to others. But mostly misery.
One of these philosophers, who we will call "Bob Doe", said, "Doggonit that bird ate my potato cracker ding-a-ling." We're not really sure what a potato cracker is, but we are sure that the Cursed Partridge DID in fact ingest the poor man's... ding-a-ling.
Now that you know about this dangerous bird, we must follow it before it gets away! Quickly! It is heading towards the Haunted Woods!
I knew drinking the Root Beer before the 10 mile sprint was a bad idea because I threw up on my filming equipment and I'm pretty sure Jesus died a little inside seeing me spill out my guts on the grass. But he's Jesus... he'll live.
Ah... there it is... flying into the window of that great tower. There's no way I'll be able to see anything in there. Blast! Out-smarted by a bird of Hell!
In the tower...
"I'm too sexy for my shirt... too sexy for my shirt. Something to do with sexiness but I know I'm so sexy it hurts... OUCH!" The horrid, off-key singing was abruptly ended as a ball of brown plumage pummeled into the light gray hair of the singer. The Meerca fell head-over-heels, got off guard by the projectile. He quickly regained his composure and dug through his thick locks of hair, trying to locate and eliminate the intruder.
Finally, after five minutes, the Meerca tore a small bird from his head and growled at it, flinging it over his shoulder.
The bird gave an angered squawk and shot at the Meerca like a fiery bullet. The gray Meerca ducked to the ground, narrowly avoiding the bird. A tall staff appeared in his hands; immediately, the orb set atop it began to glow, hurling several beams of light at the bird. The bird seemed an impossible target, for the Meerca missed every time. The beams continued and crashed into walls, bookshelves, and anything else they could reach.
Finally, the Meerca's bedroom door swung open, revealing a sleepy-looking Zafara and an even more sleepy-looking Lupe. The Partridge discretely flew out of the window.
"Is something the matter, Mailiku?" the Zafara inquired with a yawn. Apparently, the two had just woken up.
Mailiku's neck snapped in the direction of the doorway.
"This bird is possessed, I tell you!" Mailiku cried, pointing in the direction in which the bird once flew.
The Lupe blinked and scratched his leg. "Are ye feelin' all right, Mailiku? I really don' see any bird."
The Zafara shook her head, shifting her weight against the Lupe. "Of course he's not all right, Daray. I could hear him from our room. The only time that happens is when he makes an evil genius break-through or he's drunk and/or stoned," she grumbled.
Mailiku glared indignantly at the couple. "Everything's fine, Laevaetion. Just go and leave me to my peace..." he mumbled, rubbing his sore head gingerly.
As I caught sight of the bird once again, as well as a truck saying "Happy's Mental Ward" pulling into the drive-way, I pursued the Partridge with as much speed as my legs would deliver. However, since I had RAN 10 miles, that wasn't very fast. So I had to CRAWL for the bird. I crawled for miles until I found the Partridge again; in its beak was some mistletoe. It chirped and cawed, causing the three to turn their attention to the plant in its mouth.
One of them, an Acara, smirked devilishly at the sight of the partridge. He began to shift closer to the Island Zafara that was less than three steps away from him.
"Mistletoe... you know what that means, Akeminess..." Purred the Acara, slyly wrapping an arm around the Zafara shoulder.
Akeminess yelped, unable to move. It was as if some kind of unknown force was holding her still. She glanced up and the Partridge and growled, damning the mistletoe. "I'll find a way out of this, Minyinite..." mumbled the Zafara, continuing to struggle.
Just before Minyinite kissed Akeminess, something blunt struck him in the head, causing him to crumple to the ground. Akeminess blinked, startled. She looked up to see who her rescuer might be. She blushed slightly, seeing that it was none other than the local Guardian Angel, Hacaeus. Just a few seconds ago, he had been standing there indifferently... but deep inside, she knew the Angel wouldn't have let the Acara get her.
But her hopes were drowned like an ant in a flood when something tapped her on the shoulder. When she turned around, she saw an odd cross between a feline and a woman. The Zafara tilted a head.
"Who are you?"
"Why, I'm Kittie. Nice to meet ya. By the way, I am strongly against the coupling between you and Minyinite and I would much rather see you with Hacaeus... he's so... Bish..." she whispered dreamily.
Akeminess raised a brow, taking a step back. She bumped into Kittie. "How did you...?"
Kittie bobbed her head. "I'm God!" she said happily. When Minyinite attempted to get up, Kittie threw a pencil at him, causing the Acara to fall once again.
"Ph34r t3h 1337!"
Akeminess was about to say something when, all of the sudden, something covered her lips. Shocked, she opened her eyes to find Hacaeus's mouth on hers. She almost screamed, jumping back. Kittie was smiling in a satisfied manner. Her tail swung back and forth contently.
All of the sudden, Minyinite's eyes snapped open. "OMFG! God's a chick!" The town broke into chaos; building lit on fire and citizens ran around the streets, attempting to escape the gunfire.
I yelped, noticing the Partridge had left somewhere in the first gunshot. I hastily chased after it; luckily, I caught up again.
I saw the Lupe and Zafara from earlier, sitting at a bench. Then I saw the Partridge above them. I dove into a bush to get a better view of the situation.
Daray sighed, leaning back on the bench. Laevaetion was timidly holding his hand.
The Partridge seemed to smirk, swooping down and biting Daray on the ear. Daray blinked, looking to Laevaetion. He raised a brow. "Frisky, are we?" he chuckled.
Laevaetion blinked, adjusting her glasses. "What are you talking about, Daray?" she asked with a raised brow. Daray blinked, bending down to pick up a pine-cone that had fallen by the bench.
The partridge flew down again; this time, it landed on the seat and sharply pecked Laevaetion's navel. Then it flew up back into safety. Laevaetion yelped, looking down at Daray. "Not out here, Daray!" she hissed, lightly hitting him on his back of the head. Daray blinked, sitting erect and touching the spot where she had hit him.
"Eh...?" he mumbled.
Before they could do anything else, Akeminess ran past them, tripping on Laevaetion's outstretched leg. She growled, standing up and pointing a finger at Laevaetion.
"You slut! You made me break a nail!"
Laevaetion stood up, prodding Akeminess sharply. "I'm no slut, you bitch!"
"Slut!" Akeminess slapped Laevaetion across the face. For a moment, Laevaetion seemed perplexed. She then returned the slap.
"Bitch!"
"Slut!" SLAP!
"Bitch!" SLAP!
"Take yer shirts off!" Daray cried from the bench; somehow, a bag of popcorn had found its way onto his lap. For a moment, it appeared as though Akeminess would oblige; instead, she took the popcorn bag and shoved it on Daray's head.
The bird was about to fly away again when it was swallowed up by some large creature. Crouching in a tree, completely naked with the exception of a straight jacket, was Mailiku. The bird crunched in his jaws.
"I told you I wasn't crazy! Ha ha ha ha ha!" Mailiku laughed, falling from the tree, still laughing. Laevaetion and Daray quickly left the scene. But Kittie and Akeminess stayed for some "photo opportunity."
Quietly, I snuck away, frightened by the behavior of the Black Mage. With a shrug, I followed Daray. Maybe he had gotten photos of that slap fight...
All characters belong to their rightful owners. I hope you enjoyed this little thingy... the ending sucked but ah well.
And I got lazy... so cut me some slack. ;-;
On the First Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to me a Partridge in a Pear Tree...
We begin our quest of the 12 days of Amusement by following the first of our seasonal specimens; the partridge. For some reason or another, my true love gave me an annoying bird in a tree that bore fruit that I didn't like one bit. Anywho, I have reason to believe that this... "Partridge" is not an ordinary bird. Nay, it is none other than the Partridge of the Damned!
Many mentally ill philosophers who had once been fry cooks at McDonalds have told the legend of the Cursed Bird; it was said that it would bring pleasure to some but misery to others. But mostly misery.
One of these philosophers, who we will call "Bob Doe", said, "Doggonit that bird ate my potato cracker ding-a-ling." We're not really sure what a potato cracker is, but we are sure that the Cursed Partridge DID in fact ingest the poor man's... ding-a-ling.
Now that you know about this dangerous bird, we must follow it before it gets away! Quickly! It is heading towards the Haunted Woods!
I knew drinking the Root Beer before the 10 mile sprint was a bad idea because I threw up on my filming equipment and I'm pretty sure Jesus died a little inside seeing me spill out my guts on the grass. But he's Jesus... he'll live.
Ah... there it is... flying into the window of that great tower. There's no way I'll be able to see anything in there. Blast! Out-smarted by a bird of Hell!
In the tower...
"I'm too sexy for my shirt... too sexy for my shirt. Something to do with sexiness but I know I'm so sexy it hurts... OUCH!" The horrid, off-key singing was abruptly ended as a ball of brown plumage pummeled into the light gray hair of the singer. The Meerca fell head-over-heels, got off guard by the projectile. He quickly regained his composure and dug through his thick locks of hair, trying to locate and eliminate the intruder.
Finally, after five minutes, the Meerca tore a small bird from his head and growled at it, flinging it over his shoulder.
The bird gave an angered squawk and shot at the Meerca like a fiery bullet. The gray Meerca ducked to the ground, narrowly avoiding the bird. A tall staff appeared in his hands; immediately, the orb set atop it began to glow, hurling several beams of light at the bird. The bird seemed an impossible target, for the Meerca missed every time. The beams continued and crashed into walls, bookshelves, and anything else they could reach.
Finally, the Meerca's bedroom door swung open, revealing a sleepy-looking Zafara and an even more sleepy-looking Lupe. The Partridge discretely flew out of the window.
"Is something the matter, Mailiku?" the Zafara inquired with a yawn. Apparently, the two had just woken up.
Mailiku's neck snapped in the direction of the doorway.
"This bird is possessed, I tell you!" Mailiku cried, pointing in the direction in which the bird once flew.
The Lupe blinked and scratched his leg. "Are ye feelin' all right, Mailiku? I really don' see any bird."
The Zafara shook her head, shifting her weight against the Lupe. "Of course he's not all right, Daray. I could hear him from our room. The only time that happens is when he makes an evil genius break-through or he's drunk and/or stoned," she grumbled.
Mailiku glared indignantly at the couple. "Everything's fine, Laevaetion. Just go and leave me to my peace..." he mumbled, rubbing his sore head gingerly.
As I caught sight of the bird once again, as well as a truck saying "Happy's Mental Ward" pulling into the drive-way, I pursued the Partridge with as much speed as my legs would deliver. However, since I had RAN 10 miles, that wasn't very fast. So I had to CRAWL for the bird. I crawled for miles until I found the Partridge again; in its beak was some mistletoe. It chirped and cawed, causing the three to turn their attention to the plant in its mouth.
One of them, an Acara, smirked devilishly at the sight of the partridge. He began to shift closer to the Island Zafara that was less than three steps away from him.
"Mistletoe... you know what that means, Akeminess..." Purred the Acara, slyly wrapping an arm around the Zafara shoulder.
Akeminess yelped, unable to move. It was as if some kind of unknown force was holding her still. She glanced up and the Partridge and growled, damning the mistletoe. "I'll find a way out of this, Minyinite..." mumbled the Zafara, continuing to struggle.
Just before Minyinite kissed Akeminess, something blunt struck him in the head, causing him to crumple to the ground. Akeminess blinked, startled. She looked up to see who her rescuer might be. She blushed slightly, seeing that it was none other than the local Guardian Angel, Hacaeus. Just a few seconds ago, he had been standing there indifferently... but deep inside, she knew the Angel wouldn't have let the Acara get her.
But her hopes were drowned like an ant in a flood when something tapped her on the shoulder. When she turned around, she saw an odd cross between a feline and a woman. The Zafara tilted a head.
"Who are you?"
"Why, I'm Kittie. Nice to meet ya. By the way, I am strongly against the coupling between you and Minyinite and I would much rather see you with Hacaeus... he's so... Bish..." she whispered dreamily.
Akeminess raised a brow, taking a step back. She bumped into Kittie. "How did you...?"
Kittie bobbed her head. "I'm God!" she said happily. When Minyinite attempted to get up, Kittie threw a pencil at him, causing the Acara to fall once again.
"Ph34r t3h 1337!"
Akeminess was about to say something when, all of the sudden, something covered her lips. Shocked, she opened her eyes to find Hacaeus's mouth on hers. She almost screamed, jumping back. Kittie was smiling in a satisfied manner. Her tail swung back and forth contently.
All of the sudden, Minyinite's eyes snapped open. "OMFG! God's a chick!" The town broke into chaos; building lit on fire and citizens ran around the streets, attempting to escape the gunfire.
I yelped, noticing the Partridge had left somewhere in the first gunshot. I hastily chased after it; luckily, I caught up again.
I saw the Lupe and Zafara from earlier, sitting at a bench. Then I saw the Partridge above them. I dove into a bush to get a better view of the situation.
Daray sighed, leaning back on the bench. Laevaetion was timidly holding his hand.
The Partridge seemed to smirk, swooping down and biting Daray on the ear. Daray blinked, looking to Laevaetion. He raised a brow. "Frisky, are we?" he chuckled.
Laevaetion blinked, adjusting her glasses. "What are you talking about, Daray?" she asked with a raised brow. Daray blinked, bending down to pick up a pine-cone that had fallen by the bench.
The partridge flew down again; this time, it landed on the seat and sharply pecked Laevaetion's navel. Then it flew up back into safety. Laevaetion yelped, looking down at Daray. "Not out here, Daray!" she hissed, lightly hitting him on his back of the head. Daray blinked, sitting erect and touching the spot where she had hit him.
"Eh...?" he mumbled.
Before they could do anything else, Akeminess ran past them, tripping on Laevaetion's outstretched leg. She growled, standing up and pointing a finger at Laevaetion.
"You slut! You made me break a nail!"
Laevaetion stood up, prodding Akeminess sharply. "I'm no slut, you bitch!"
"Slut!" Akeminess slapped Laevaetion across the face. For a moment, Laevaetion seemed perplexed. She then returned the slap.
"Bitch!"
"Slut!" SLAP!
"Bitch!" SLAP!
"Take yer shirts off!" Daray cried from the bench; somehow, a bag of popcorn had found its way onto his lap. For a moment, it appeared as though Akeminess would oblige; instead, she took the popcorn bag and shoved it on Daray's head.
The bird was about to fly away again when it was swallowed up by some large creature. Crouching in a tree, completely naked with the exception of a straight jacket, was Mailiku. The bird crunched in his jaws.
"I told you I wasn't crazy! Ha ha ha ha ha!" Mailiku laughed, falling from the tree, still laughing. Laevaetion and Daray quickly left the scene. But Kittie and Akeminess stayed for some "photo opportunity."
Quietly, I snuck away, frightened by the behavior of the Black Mage. With a shrug, I followed Daray. Maybe he had gotten photos of that slap fight...
END
All characters belong to their rightful owners. I hope you enjoyed this little thingy... the ending sucked but ah well.
And I got lazy... so cut me some slack. ;-;
